Do mobile phones have feelings?

Part of me wants the answer to the above question to be yes because then the sadness is being emitted by my old one and I am not any less of a man for having such things as feelings (thats right not even your god is perfect, sue me). At the same time part of me wants to feel that I am truly sad for it’s (her? or his?) passing into the boxes we keep in the back of the wardrobe for lost and dead technology of our throw away age.

but you’re probably wondering what I’m babbling about like a pussy bitch so give me a freakin second and I’ll go into flashback mode

flashback mode

flashback…………….

Some three years ago I became the proud owner of what was then one of the better phones on the market, the Motorola V9 Razr, an epically made flip phone piece of telecommunications technology and I think looking back there is no possession that as a piece of my life that better represents that period than this phone (with the possible exception of my car). we, like most people my age were inseparable and went everywhere and did everything together China, Japan, School, functions, weddings, Queensland, moving out of home, my phone did it all with me with no complaint beyond battery low.

I suppose this phone never had it’s life easy with all the above mentioned it also had the misfortune of being present at the most dramatic time in my life it was the barer of bad news; of betrayal by “friends”, of the lies those who were supposed to care but never did, the sharp end of the pineapple delivered by the fucking cunts at VCAA/VTAC (a pox be upon them) and the cheating scum who waste my time.

In it came my first lesson about women; they’re liars, as did every subsequent lesson afterwards (they only use you, then they cheat on you, then they expect you to respect them – cunts) it bore the photo of someone who made my life worth living and the day worth facing then served as a constant reminder, an omen if you will, of everything taken from me and why getting up in the morning wasn’t worth the trouble, the messages still saved years later in the internal memory as I tried to work out the point in which I lost what I held dear but didn’t know it, now they’re lost to me as they probably should be.

But falling from my pocket takes it toll, the duco was scratched and dented, technology jumped ahead, lithium batteries wear out and hinges fill with dirt, in fact it’s so old technological wise the flip phone is no longer made, the style long since out of fashion in favour of touch screens – another reason to curse Steve Jobs I suppose. More to the point the simple fact is phones are not made to last three years, in fact most manufacturers know that the market moves so fast most people never finnish a 2 year contract  so the phone’s are built to be redundant sometime around the expiry of the warranty. Unless of course you’re Motorola or my phone, but alas it was not long for this world the software started going the chargers contacts went dry and no longer took the charge needed for the battery.

So with great sorrow this week I found myself in the local T-life acquiring a replacement, a Samsung Galaxy arguably one of the best phones on the market today, wether I’ll be writting about it in the next three years is still too early to tell but……..

So now the V9 lies forlorn beside my keyboard as I play with it’s lifeless body, memory card and photos transfered, though their effects are not the same as they once were, contacts I wish to save (or more realistically the people I will talk to the amount of random numbers now lost on her internal memory is surprising, I don’t remember who this Kylie chick was so it must not be important anymore) are now, along with the SIM in the new phone.

So it will lay on the desk until I do my clean up and I’ll horde it somewhere lost in the draws of time unable to throw it away, one day I may pull it out and like some technological archeologist or member of the Brotherhood of Steel I’ll show it to the next generation. Who knows? in my mind I can see it being dug out of the ruins of 21st century Australia many hundreds of years from now and our decedents will look and examine and test and explore to try and decipher the mysterious device of a more barbarian age

I hope it’s not angry with me or that it’s jealous of its replacement on the other side of the desk and all that the Galaxy can do, I don’t know if mobile phones have feelings but I do hope they don’t so that I can be genuine when I say Vale my V9 number 35771501018217 you will be gone, but your symbolism, the impact on my life you played a part in and the meaning of those outcomes will never be forgotten.

So I just remembered I had this thing

And I really should make a post but I posses neither the time nor the fuckery to post something, though I may start ranting about my uni soon enough. If anyone actually reads this that is………………

hello?

sad really

This makes the retards at my old job almost bareable

The following is my conversation with a customer today

cust: “do you have the SE (insert phone here)?”
me: “no I don’t want to sell you that because it isn’t a very good phone may I recomend another phone?”
cust: “no I really want anm SE”
me: “yes but this phone I can tell you we aren’t selling because it has a high failure and return rate may I recomend something else?”
cust: ” no I really want this phone I take it anyway”
me: “well we don’t have any in stock because we aren’t selling it”
cust: “is there someone I can make a complaint to?”
me: “why? its a failure of a phone so I can’t sell it”
cust: “no you just don’t want to sell it”
me: “because we have no stock, because we ordered no replacement stock because it is a shit phone”
cust: “then why are you advertising it?”
me: “because (phone network) make us”
cust: “I would like to make a complaint to your manager”

Complained about because I was trying to protect him from buying a shit failure of a phone that is being replaced next month anyway, sometimes I wonder about how this speices managed not to die of stupidity let alone reach the moon.

What is it with asian chicks and cats?

and for that matter what is it with asian chicks and harry potter?

but seriously I am sitting in a lecture looking down in boredom and bam! some asian chick in front of me has her phone out and on the screen is a movie of a cat attacking a disembodied hand – probably her’s.

do you really love cats that much that you need to make films of them and play them during lectures for amusement? seriously I am never going to look weirdly at the guy beside me when he whips out a hustler and starts jacking it during downtime.

Keeping up the stupidity by ranting about the net on the…. er net

Things I don’t get about facebook

1. Poke – what the hell is it supposed to be for?

2. When people tag me in things I am obviously not in or as things I am obviously not – which means now according to my tags I am a racist glass of orange juice that happens to be R2 D2, also Denny Crane

3. When my browser and the server have a fight – It only ever happens when I come here suddenly it’s all loading nicely and BANG “operation aborted” yells the computer, seriously keep it up and I will abort you computer and your vistary hell spawn.

4. Becoming a fan of stuff – this I wished I had never done cause now I am a fan of heaps of shit for reasons I don’t know why

5. keeping people I don’t know or don’t like on my friends list – it must be laziness that keeps me from doing a big delete of people, the funny one I find is keeping two ex-girlfriends who I haven’t bothered to speak to or even stalk, really should get rid of them meh they can get rid of me.

6. The fact that I keep finding myself there more than once a day – ok maybe I do have a stalking thing going on just who I’m stalking though I don’t know.

Holy crap, it wasn’t meant to be this long………

A lot of things make me angry, if you stick around here long enough and if I can be stuffed being regular with my postings you will eventually come to realise that. But one thing has come to my attention this fine, no wait it’s Melbourne, poor excuse for an evening and that thing is YouTube. Now don’t get me wrong the entire concept of YouTube is this beautiful thing, I mean where else on the internet can you upload entire seasons of TV shows and movies without getting in the way of that nasty little thing called copyright? Oh YouTube you were a perfect idea for our perfect burgening internet, then the fame hungry attention whores found you and every pathetic myspace reject could find themself a forum.

Suddenly the world was entertained/bored by some German kid going barmy at his computer (without affecting the webcam funnily enough – but it’s on YouTube so I have no doubt of its authenticity) and some girl named boxy who had, well issues with sitting still. But the problem didn’t stop there then we HAD to have idiotic mashups of TV shows and other videos with poorly remixed dance music over the top, look you’re an aspiring film producer I get that from your designer jeans and the fact you have to use a Mac but seriously you work is hardly Tarantino, In fact it’s shit. So shit that it should be used in Gitmo to torture terrorists but then that would be a crime against humanity.

Then there are the endless fucking cat videos, ok ninja cat was interesting the first time I watched it I don’t need to be reminded of it after I watch another video, god the crap that get on to that place makes my scar hurt – and I don’t even have a scar. if anything most of the videos posted are good evidence for the case ofn having child safety caps removed from household chemicals and medications, thin the heard I always say. My second favourite thing about YouTube is that when I pause a video at the start because my internet isn’t running fast enough to stream the vid and i don’t want to have jerky play back, but what does it do? Waits a minute then starts playing anyway – I hit pause, I will hit play that is my decision not yours.

Then we get to my favourite (and reason for this post) remaking an episode or scene from a movie with your toys and/or friends Not only is what you are going to do incredibly shit it’s also plagiarism so I hope you enjoy George Lucas signing your ass with the shoe of his lawyer. “But NI why all the hate?” you ask well it’s like this I found out today that George Carlin, Mr-Seven-Words-You-Can’t-Say-On-TV himself did the voices of Thomas the Tank Engine, that’s right, the world’s most popular blue locomotive was voiced by the man now down there screaming up at us.  

So I, in my natural Thomas loving curiosity, as it was one of the few good things about my childhood I can remember went looking on teh interwbs for evidence to support such a claim and there I was on YouTube trawling through shit looking for such evidence that might make my day complete from crappy re-enactments with Tommy toys to a remix of the FUCKING THRILLER VIDEO. Seriously? Michael Jackson was accused of molesting a child so you put his music over a childhood icon, what an interesting and artistically expressive person you are, now get back to making my fucking burger you arts grad bitch. Such delicate flowers make their wonderful multimedia projects and post them for the world to enjoy – but let me make one thing clear kids: James Cameron isn’t going to be calling you to work on Avatar 2 you’re not talented and you’re not going to make it big going down this path so stop posting your crap for the world to see*

It hit me part way through the emergency operation to bring my dying brain back to life that obviously the BBC were much better at protecting their copyright than the makers of most anime, well that or the Japanese don’t know about YouTube. So there you go my precious time wasted and any search for a my information around google was going to need a wade through waist deep garbage. To think the internet used to be a clean place for piracy and porn now just look at it filed with shit. At some point we need to take back YouTube for what it was made for: pirating anime and and TV shows.

But seriously the shit needs to stop and some of this crap needs to be filtered and just burned, your own friends don’t give a shit about your retarded antics why the hell does the rest of the world care? there needs to be a filter installed and at the very least an IQ test needs to be past before you can post a video, or we could start hunting down the retarded posters using their IP information and killing them for sport. We can do that you know I saw it on NCIS once………mmm Ziva, wait what was I saying. Some of the stuff you get on YouTube is brilliant like Brick Vader, CH and PhillyD but most of it is just shit that needs to be stopped before humanity manages to disappear up its own ass of stupidity, or has it become too late to stop that? good god I hope not.

TL;DR FUCK YOUTUBE

*yes I am aware of the irony in this statement thank you.

Hello world! this is your god speaking

screw you and your automaticlyy generated 1st post and comment